The True North: Strong and Free?
[Tucker Carlson laughing vociferously.]
Tucker Carlson:
[Dressed in hip waders, a Patagonia quarter zip and a bucket hat covered in lures. Staring into the camera, mouth open.]
Ask anyone to name a place they’d consider ‘the true north, strong and free’ and you’ll hear answers like Montana, Alaska, Hungary, and even Vermont.
But does anyone think of Canada?
Well, Canadians do. They routinely call themselves strong and free, but just how true is that statement?
We looked into it, and not only is their system of government not a Federal Republic or an Electoral Autocracy, it isn't even a democracy. It's something called a - wait for it - Parliamentary Monarchy.
All hail King Trudeau, right?
Well, as it turns out, these Canadians don't vote for their king; they vote for their, quote, "Member of Parliament.” What a Member of Parliament actually does is anyone’s guess.
Justin Trudeau, along with being an authoritarian crackpot and the likely son of Fidel Castro, is a Member of Parliament for a little place called Papineau. And if that sounds French to you, that’s because it is.
Papineau has about seventy-thousand people in it. Only twenty-thousand of them voted for Trudeau. For those of you still working out the math, that’s about 30%. Considering Canada has forty million people crammed along our border, that’s less than 1% of the population deciding who rules their country.
No one knows the names of these pseudo-elites in Papineau or who’s funding them, and you’re not even allowed to ask.
Here with me now to make some sense of this senseless country is best-selling author and former Canadian Jordan B. Peterson. Jordan, welcome to the program.
Jordan Peterson:
[Dressed like Two-Face from Batman Forever, eyes watering.]
Thanks for having me on, Tucker.
Tucker Carlson:
[Guffawing, chin disappearing.]
Jordan, what is going on up there? It sounds absurd.
Jordan Peterson:
[Pained.]
Well, it is absurd, frankly. It’s a bloody shame what they’ve done to themselves.
Tucker Carlson:
[Laughing vociferously.]
I mean, they’re living under the Divine Right of Kings. King Trudeau is God on Earth… and God wants to kill children through the MAiD program? I mean, does anyone over there actually believe this stuff?
Jordan Peterson:
[Through tears.]
They do, Tucker, far too many in fact. Canada right now is a certified Machiavellian den of vulturous snakes and serpentine con men. We used to believe in something. We used to believe in God and the family. Now the whole thing has collapsed into a postmodern neo-Marxist mess.
Tucker Carlson:
What do you make of this drastic change? Why now?
Jordan Peterson:
It all goes back to Canada’s creation myth—their version of the Paul Revere story, if you will. The Dominion of Canada was founded by subduing the Beaver of Chaos.
[Deadly serious.]
People think beavers are cute and cuddly. They’re not, Tucker. They’re absolutely not. Beavers tear down trees for pleasure. They dam up rivers and streams. They flood crops and homes. She’s a destructive force, The Beaver of Chaos. Nihilistic and petty. She gets mad at you for no reason at all.
The first King of Canada, Old John Macdonald…
Tucker Carlson:
[Concerned, dumbfounded.]
The farmer?
Jordan Peterson:
[Red-faced.]
Correct.
King Macdonald cornered The Beaver of Chaos atop the Canadian Shield with his net and fork and ate her whole in one enormous bite. Only then was order restored to the land. Our Parliament, you know, was built from the Beaver’s bones and the waterlogged trees of her Dam.
Now, a beaver is a big animal, Tucker. Bigger than many realize. Not like a dragon, per se, but bigger than a pussy cat. I don’t know about you, but I can’t eat a beaver in one bite. It takes time and practice. Sometimes, you’re down there eating beaver for ten or even fifteen minutes! Some men, and even some women, I’ve heard, enjoy the act. For most it’s a sacred obligation to subdue Chaos.
But what happens when the people lack will? When the woke mob beats them down, tells them they can only eat sausages or baguettes or eggplant?
Well, that’s what we’re seeing now. The Canadian people are trying to eat beaver, but they’re choking on the pelt in their throats. It’s a real mess, Tucker.
Tucker Carlson:
[With a look of wonder, arms crossed.]
Fascinating stuff. Tell me, is there anyone left up there successfully defeating this chaos beaver?
Jordan Peterson:
A few. Far too few. It reminds me of another parable, one perhaps even more apt than eating beaver and choking on the dark curly hairs of chaos.
You see, this old man was living alone in the woods. One morning, he’s out tending to his garden when a shadow is cast over him. He stood and beheld these two odious crones brandishing clipboards and blue ballpoint pens. They told the man that his home of fifty years might be on the wrong side of the border.
Tucker Carlson:
The Canadian side?
Jordan Peterson:
Correct.
Now, this man was truly concerned. These crones are trying to take his rights and liberties from him. So they go ahead and do their work, and then off they go to their downtown liberal cave to interpret the results.
A week passes. Then another. Then another. A month passes before the crones return. They consult their clipboards and tell the man, ‘Oh, bad news, sir. I’m sorry to say your home is on the US side of the border.’ The man rightly breathes a sigh of relief and tells the crones this: ‘Thank God! I hear the winters in Canada are terrible!’
Tucker Carlson:
Interesting.
Jordan Peterson:
Well, it’s more than interesting; it’s vital! Absolutely vital to our moment right now. In the parable, the winters and the snow are describing oppression. Snow covers the soul and the mind, you know. The old man, of course, represents the people.
Tucker Carlson:
Of course, of course.
Jordan Peterson:
And you know why the flag is a leaf, eh? What does a leaf do, Tucker? It hides your shame! Like Adam and Eve when they left the garden. The Canadian people are using a neo-Marxist leaf to hide their shame and thereby allowing a tyrannical tyrant to control their lives.
Tucker Carlson:
I’ve noticed that the only place Canadians seem to be able to express themselves freely is by booing our anthem at an ice hockey game.
Let me ask you this and we’ll end it here: why do they hate us so much?
Jordan Peterson:
Well, they hate our freedom, Tucker, and our Judeo-Christian values. Much like the Iraqi people before them.
Tucker Carlson:
Jordan Peterson, thank you for being part of the program.
Jordan Peterson:
[Weeping.]
Thank you for having me.