Self-Checkout Theft at Loblaws Down 1000%. Coincidentally, Banana Sales Up 1000%

(The Banana code is 4011, by the way.)

2024 was a tough year for Loblaws.

“Our Q3 total revenue was only $18.5 billion,” Loblaws CFO Dick Duffy said. “It’s pathetic and, quite frankly, it’s sad. There’s so much more tea to squeeze from the used teabag that is the Canadian public.”

The culprit: self-checkout thievery. Loblaws’ detectives, secret shoppers, narcs and nerds have estimated that the grocery chain lost nearly $500 per location last Q3 due to theft.

“Surreptitious bagging, ‘forgetting’ to scan items and eating sushi in the aisles were the top reasons we saw record profits plummet,” said Kevin Pancslowjski, Senior Leader of the Toronto Loblaws Private Police Force. “Thankfully,” Obergrocerführur Pancslowjski continued, “since October, many of our locations have now instituted weighted self-checkouts to deter this degenerate behaviour.”

Pancslowski demonstrated the new checkout system. Customers must place scanned items on a weighted scale before bagging. Once the scale confirms the weight matches the item scanned, the machine allows the customer to continue scanning their purchases. It’s “foolproof.”

Stores that implemented this scanning system last October have seen a 1000% drop in theft. A massive achievement in grocery-related paramilitary policing.

In other grocery news, since October, Loblaws has seen a strong surge in the sale of bananas. “It’s an amazing new trend,” Hildabrand Goog said. “We looked at the data and noticed banana sales have increased by nearly 1000%. Some people are buying $0.12 worth of bananas and some are buying $40. Based on the data, we figure people are getting a preemptive start on their New Year’s resolutions to eat better.”

Be on the lookout for a $0.02 sale on bananas coming later in the year to help drive sales and help recoup last year's minuscule gains.